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writing a journal article Fanshawe College

This image is the property of The New York Public Library. For each use, you must contact: The New York Public Library, Photographic Services & Permissions, Room 103, 476 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10018; 212-930-0091, fax: 212-930-0533, email: permissions@nypl.org. Using an image from The New York Public Library for publication without payment of use fees and official written permission is strictly prohibited. I can’t remember the name of the bar, but I remember I was twenty-two, and I was having the writing business articles university of groningen (study group), time of my life on how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into) Halloween night with my then-girlfriend in Greenwich Village. At twenty-two we could drink like beautiful androgynous unafraid fish. Young badass women in love in writing a journal article Fanshawe College the bohemian capital of the world. That’s how it felt to me, anyway. She was a student at New York University. I wasn’t anything, having flunked out of college. We had plans that spanned continents. Youth foreshortens everything—faces, lives. Partway through a shit-ton of cheap vodka shots she got up on examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college our rickety little wooden bar table and danced. When I say “danced” I mean punched the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, air like a boxer. So I climbed up on my chair and “danced” just underneath her, and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, she started laughing uncontrollably, pointing, pointing at examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, my midsection, because my skirt was tucked up into my neon-blue tights enough that my neon-blue butt was showing. I guess I’d made a miscalculation the last time I’d used the bathroom. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? We laughed that kind of deep-throated about-to-be-women laugh. The laugh of girls before their voices thin out and tighten from the exhaustion of womanhood. In fact—and it’s only because I’m old and no longer give a crap that I can tell you this—I laughed so hard I made a little unstoppable poop in those neon-blue tights. Like a perfectly round deer turd. It was a night I wanted never to end. Or, I wish with all my heart that the story ended there. But that’s not where the story ended. When I was four years old my Lithuanian grandmother told me a folktale about the water spirit Laume. I’d accidentally locked myself in my grandparents’ bathroom and gone into hysterics when I couldn’t get out. My father was furious at my ineptitude. His yelling nearly broke the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, door down. Examples of persuasive writing essays d'Overbroeck's College? This is the story she told me once I was liberated. Laume came from writing business articles university of groningen (study group) transcendental waters, and her spirit lives in how to write an essay about my family braemar college all waters, even in baths and showers, in rivers, streams, oceans, the writing article reviews concord college, rain, and in toilets. She is the guardian of all children, the not yet born, the newly born, the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, orphaned, the how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into), forgotten, even the dead children. If there is a child coming into the world, she can foresee it. If a child is mistreated, she will sometimes take him and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, raise him herself. If a child is lost, she protects him, while gathering information about the usefulness of the parents. Writing article reviews Concord College? If parents are mishandling a child, she will transform him into whatever lesson they need to learn. Above all she values sincerity, and next industriousness on the writing article reviews concord college, part of writing a journal article Fanshawe College, mothers, particularly the women’s work of weaving. Laume rewards those who work hard; she also punishes severely those who seek reward without an attention to hard work, and those in writing a journal article Fanshawe College pursuit of self-aggrandizement. Go look underneath your pillow to see if she has left you treasure. I walked upstairs to how to write an essay about my family braemar college the bedroom. My whole body shook. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? I stood in the bedroom a long minute with my eyes closed, waiting for writing a journal article Fanshawe College, hands on my shoulders. I looked around for my father there in the dark, because that’s the life I had, a father there in the dark, but he wasn’t anywhere. I looked underneath my pillow. There was a star woven from straw. Laume takes many forms and inhabits many tales. One of the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, most famous Laumes was a fisherman’s daughter, Egle, queen of the serpents. One day Egle finds a large eel in her clothes after swimming in writing a journal article Fanshawe College the Baltic Sea. The eel takes her clothing and only returns it when she promises to marry him. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? When she accepts, the writing business articles university of groningen (study group), eel becomes a handsome young man named Zilvinas. They live underwater together and have three children, two sons and a daughter. Writing business articles University of Groningen (Study Group)? After a time, Egle longs to writing a journal article Fanshawe College visit her parents and compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz, siblings on land. I don’t ever talk about it. It’s a bit like a little malformed myth still lodged between my heart and compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz, my rib cage. Zilvinas is terrified that Egle’s former family will reject her. But though he is worried, he agrees to let her go and bring their children. Zilvinas instructs Egle to call to him: “If you are alive and well, come back to me in a milky wave; if you are dead, in a bloody wave.” When she arrives to writing a journal article Fanshawe College visit her earthly family, Egle’s brothers, jealous of her freedom, torture her sons to writing a journal article Fanshawe College death; her daughter, smitten with one of the earth brothers, betrays the secret call and lures Zilvinas to shore, where he is murdered. When Egle returns to the lip of the water, she sees a bloody wave and learns that her earth brothers have betrayed her. She curses herself and writing business articles university of groningen (study group), her daughter, turning them into writing a journal article Fanshawe College, trees forever. Many infant girls in Lithuania have the names of trees. In the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, ninth year of our eleven-year marriage, my second husband emerged from our kitchen pointing a gun at me. I haven’t written much about this, at least not literally. I don’t ever talk about writing a journal article Fanshawe College it. It’s a bit like a little malformed myth still lodged between my heart and my rib cage. In America, it’s tricky to describe violence without it turning into entertainment. A Sig Sauer P229 9mm handgun. Statistically, the most popular handgun in the United States. I’d just entered the house after work. The kitchen light was on, but not the living room light, so he was backlit. The whole house smelled like Jameson. I stood in the dark. My car keys were still in my hand. He crossed the space between us. When he was maybe three feet away, he stopped. How to write an essay about my family Braemar College? The gun was pointed at my chest. How to write an essay about my family Braemar College? The air in writing a journal article Fanshawe College my lungs concrete. Writing article reviews Concord College? I walked the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, rest of the distance between us, until the gun was between my breasts. That’s how I know he was crying. I stared at writing a journal article Fanshawe College, my second husband. Nothing moved in the house except our breathing. “Stop loving me,” he finally said, the gun heavy enough for me to feel my sternum ache. As if love was killing him. “No,” I said, and I closed my eyes and put my arms around him and pressed in. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? I waited for the possible death moment between a man and a woman. Walking straight into violence was nothing new to me. I’d learned how to walk deliberately and unflinchingly into violence from my father, like so many other children do in this country. In fact, in this country we raise all of our children on one form of violence or another. And so my question is not, “Why did you walk into that violence?” My question is, “Where does my love come from that I walk through male violence to find it?” Laumes are the oldest spirits of Lithuanian mythology. The images of these spirits may have developed during the historical Mesolithic period, just after the Ice Age. Laume first appeared in the form of animals, like goats, bears, or mares. Later she took on a half-human appearance, usually bird claws for feet, the lower body of a she-goat, and large stone nipples. Later still she was represented as a beautiful and supernatural water woman-creature, with fair hair and skin the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, color of the moon. Laumes were both benevolent and dangerous. They could tickle men to death and then eat their bodies. How to write essays in exams Kendall College? They could protect women and children or punish them brutally. Maybe dreams don’t mean a goddamned thing. Or maybe they mean everything. Laumes lived near lakes, abandoned bathhouses, rivers, swamps, or other waterways. Laumes liked to gather near water under the New Moon at night and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, dance. They could cause rain and storms and hail by singing and examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, dancing and swimming. Anyone who knows me knows why I am attracted to Laumes. I am a child of the waters. But then so are all of us, before the breach. I had a recurring dream for twenty years that I would have three sons. I did not have three sons, and I’m fifty-two, so it’s not looking likely. What I did have was a daughter, who died, and one son, sun of my life. But I did have three husbands. Maybe dreams don’t mean a goddamned thing. Or maybe they mean everything. They say you marry a man who is like your father. My father, the artist-turned-architect, molested and abused us. How to write an essay about my family Braemar College? He was big. Angry. How to write essays in exams Kendall College? Loud-fisted. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? Marked us forever—three little women, making for their lives. My first husband was gentle as a swan. A painter with long fingers and eyelashes. You can see what I was shooting for. I almost self-immolated next to writing a journal article Fanshawe College his passivity. My second husband, another painter, used harsh lashing strokes on the canvas. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? He was big and loud, but made softer by alcohol and art. Except when he wasn’t. The gun of him. Sig Sauer. My third husband, father of my son, is big and loud and a filmmaker. But there is the gentleness of a cellist in his hands and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, eyes. So sometimes I wonder if my dream was meant to compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz show me not three sons, but three husbands. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? Take my second husband, for instance—the one who pressed the gun of how to write an essay about my family braemar college, him to writing a journal article Fanshawe College me—he was a lot like a child. I wonder if Laume came and took my baby daughter, who died right before I met him, and examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, replaced her with a man-child. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? This is kind of how we get through our lives: we tell ourselves stories so that what’s happening becomes something we can live with. Necessary fictions. Maybe I had some hard lessons to learn about the difference between doing good work and trying too hard to be a woman. Woman. Like anyone even knows what that is still. Or violence. Maybe this is a story about writing a journal article Fanshawe College violence. Or maybe I’m still looking for a way to writing a journal article Fanshawe College forgive myself for writing business articles university of groningen (study group), that failure of womanhood. How to write a 5 page essay St. Louis University (INTO)? Two marriages gone busto. Jesus, woman. I keep waiting to feel like a failure. I wonder what would happen if I didn’t know what this story was about. I think this might be a children’s story. It is said that Laume was a silken-haired sky goddess who lived in the clouds. One myth claims that she fell in love with a beautiful young man down on earth, and that they had a son. Laume descended to writing a journal article Fanshawe College earth from the sky to feed her son with her breasts. But when the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, highest god found out about the son and the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, sacrilegious love, he killed the writing business articles university of groningen (study group), boy and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, scattered his remains between the stars in writing a journal article Fanshawe College the sky, and writing article reviews concord college, he cut Laume’s breasts. Stone pieces of how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into), them can still be found on earth in the form of sea-creature fossils. You would not believe how many sea-creature fossils I’ve collected over the years. Tons of examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, them. I don’t know why. Crustaceans and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, sea spiders. Conglomerate rocks with pieces of writing a journal article Fanshawe College, hermit crab fossilized in them. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? Fish from the examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, desert hills. Ammonites. It’s a wonder to see something so clearly meant for movement in water captured swirling in stone. Like a petrified snapshot. Or like history’s motion arrested. I’m going to try it again. When I was twenty-two I spent Halloween night in Greenwich Village. I drank vodka in a Russian bar with my girlfriend at the time. A huge middle-aged Russian man and his male friends said drunk fat Russian things to us all night, not a word of which we understood, and we laughed, they laughed, and we toasted, and things seemed strangely OK, like when you are young. I kept yelling, “I’m Lithuanian!” to the Russian men, like that was something. Later in life I’d learn what an idiotic thing that was to examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college be yelling. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? But at the time it seemed everyone, even the moon, was laughing and drunk. At midnight a giant parade of costumed people passed the bar, and so we joined them, and how to write an essay about my family braemar college, walked for miles together. There were animals: goats, bears, horses, unicorns, centaurs. There were bird claws for how to write an essay about my family braemar college, feet, the lower bodies of she-goats, large, extended tin foil breasts and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, exaggerated codpieces, and writing business articles university of groningen (study group), all sorts of witches, fairies, and how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into), mermaids. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? It was one of the happiest nights of my life. We were two girl-women in love, we were walking with an army of people in Halloween costumes more vivid and outrageous than reality would ever be. Fear was not anything about us. I don’t know how to belong to the story in a way that doesn’t betray it. I don’t even want to be in the story. Later on, we found ourselves a few alleys away from her crappy dorm room. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? We were stumble-walking, arm in how to write essays in exams kendall college arm. We kissed and compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz, teetered along and laughed. I put my hand up her shirt. Then I saw her head lurch forward in a not-right way, and she made a sound—or something did—like someone smashing a pumpkin with a bat. Writing article reviews Concord College? Something hard at my back, and then my side imploding. Two men had come up behind us. One hit her in the skull with a baseball bat, another stabbed me in writing a journal article Fanshawe College the lower back and side with a knife. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? My girlfriend dropped to how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into) her knees, her head hitting the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, pavement. I saw her body perfectly balanced, head and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, knees keeping her perched upright, blood everywhere. I saw the two men laughing and yelling. I saw their shaved heads. I saw stars before I passed out. The last thought I remember thinking was: Skinheads . There is language enough to describe it, but going there is beyond language, so mostly I don’t. I don’t know how to belong to the story in a way that doesn’t betray it. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? I don’t even want to be in the story, the one in which a woman I loved was left partially paralyzed. But mostly I don’t tell the story because I didn’t stay with her happily ever after forever and ever. I’ve noticed the scar at my back and side has softened over writing a journal article Fanshawe College the years. It’s so tiny you can barely see it. Receding with age and fat, I suppose. Or the guilt of wanting more life. A woman was harvesting a flowerbed and had taken her child with her. She was so busy with her work that the child slept through the day. The woman went home in the evening to milk the cows and make dinner. She served her husband, who asked her, “Where’s my son?” With terror she whispered, “I have forgotten him!” She ran as fast as she could to the place where she had left her son, and she heard Laume speak: “Hush, forgotten child.” The mother asked Laume for her child back. The fairy said, “Come, come, dear woman, take your child, we have done nothing to writing a journal article Fanshawe College him. We know that you work very hard, at many jobs, and how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into), that you didn’t want to leave your child behind.” The Laumes went on to shower the babe with treasures, enough gifts to raise several children on. The mother went home with her precious baby and compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz, with her gifts; she was greeted with great joy. Another woman, hearing of this good fortune, was taken over by jealousy. She thought, “I shall do the same as her, and also be showered in gifts.” The next evening, at dusk, she took her child, left him in the fields, and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, went home. When, after dinner, she returned to the field, she heard the Laumes: “Hush, you left your child in greed.” And the child screamed with great pain, for writing a journal article Fanshawe College, he was being pinched mercilessly. The Laumes continued their torture until the mother approached. Then they tossed the child at her feet. The babe was dead. When my infant daughter died, spilling out with our shared waters, the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, story breached. Every story I have ever told has a kind of writing a journal article Fanshawe College, breach to how to write an essay about my family braemar college it, I think. You could say that my writing isn’t quite right. That all the beginnings have endings in them. Violence doesn’t only exist in how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into) men. Think of mother violence, for compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz, example. When my son was in grade school I had hysterically violent thoughts. I was afraid he’d be bullied. I actually pictured the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, moment—I saw myself stride across the school grounds, pick a bully child up by writing a journal article Fanshawe College, his ankles, hold him upside down, shake the shit out of him, and fling him in a dumpster. I thought all the way through “Mamma has to go to jail.” My Lithuanian grandmother cut the writing business articles university of groningen (study group), tip off my father’s tongue as a boy. After I became a mother and married for the third time, I had a skinhead in writing a journal article Fanshawe College my writing class. I know he was a skinhead not from the way he looked, though that’s exactly what he looked like: the ’90s version of a London skinhead. Compare and contrast essay writing Lyceum Alpinum Zuoz? I know he was a skinhead because he came to writing a journal article Fanshawe College my office and told me. He asked not to have to do group work. I’m embarrassed to say that made me laugh. I also remember thinking: You are a brutal abomination and Not long ago this guy was just a boy, just his mother’s son—what happened? His writing was impeccable. How to write essays in exams Kendall College? He completed every assignment. His theses were not Hitleresque. He was oddly polite and courteous. Writing business articles University of Groningen (Study Group)? I gave him a C, only because I could, whether or not I should have. How to write an essay about my family Braemar College? If he’d challenged the grade, he’d have won. In many ways he was the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, best writer in the class. What is a teacher? A mother? Another Laume is a goddess of the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, home and a warm hearth. If you do not tend to writing article reviews concord college your family and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, fire well, she burns your house down. Examples of persuasive writing essays d'Overbroeck's College? With everyone inside. The word for how to write an essay about my family braemar college, “fireplace” in Lithuanian has come to be understood as “family relations.” In my twenty-third year of writing a journal article Fanshawe College, teaching college, on a day we were discussing violence as a theme, something repressed inside me lurched, and I told my Halloween-night story to the class. I mean it shot out of my mouth before I could stop it. I lifted up my shirt and showed them my scar. It was one of the more unprofessional teaching moments of my career, though it would certainly not be the last. So much shame came out of my mouth. The shame of a daughter whose body was written by her father. The shame of how to write an essay about my family braemar college, leaving a woman I loved. The shame of failed marriages and motherhoods. At the end of the writing a journal article Fanshawe College, story I also told them what I’d learned about our attackers. They weren’t skinheads. They’d been Marines. My then-girlfriend would be neurologically damaged and partially paralyzed for the rest of her life. The marines spent three months—ninety whole days—in jail. One was dishonorably discharged. Everyone got quiet. I thought maybe the compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz, story was over, and my intention was to get us all writing and out of the well of overly personal pathos I’d let us fall into, but then a Latino man in compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz the class, his neck covered in tattoos, stood up. How to write essays in exams Kendall College? All I knew from his writing was that he’d been a gang member. That he’d made mistakes and gone to jail. That he was writing A+ ideas with C+ skills. That his parents were undocumented workers. That he had four sisters. But I learned that day that he’d also been on writing a journal article Fanshawe College three tours of duty for our country before he’d turned twenty-two. I also learned that the military had begun relaxing tattoo restrictions in 2004. He stood up and said, “I apologize on behalf of examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, Marines.” His sentence was perfect. The air in the room vacuumed. Stories change, just like the lives we’ve lived and selves we’ve inhabited. Nobody’s been the how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into), same person twice. He walked the length of the how to write essays in exams kendall college, room, straight at me. I braced myself for the moment—I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep from crying. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? Briefly it occurred to me that I might die if he got any closer, closer than three feet away. Then he did a regular human thing. He hugged me. He said it again. This time in my ear, and examples of persuasive writing essays d'overbroeck's college, his breath made the hairs on my neck shoot up. “I apologize on behalf of Marines.” But that’s not what I heard. I heard, “You don’t have to punish yourself for love.” I didn’t die like I thought I might. From his random compassion, I mean. I wasn’t a very good teacher. I don’t know what I was. I gave him an writing a journal article Fanshawe College, A in the class, in the end. That day we wrote stories about the small violences in compare and contrast essay writing lyceum alpinum zuoz our daily lives. In one story, Laume takes all the children away from their parents in a particular village, because they sent their eldest boys to war. The mothers become barren and the fathers can no longer hold any food down, and thus they die. The village fades from history because the parents did not take care of their children. You know, stories change, just like the lives we’ve lived and selves we’ve inhabited. Nobody’s been the same person twice. I mean really. It’s the people walking around acting and sounding especially self-assured and whole who worry me the most. I like hearing the how to write a 5 page essay st. louis university (into), world’s stories about itself. That’s partly why I teach world literature. It helps me feel less incarcerated by the world, or my past, or my mistakes and writing a journal article Fanshawe College, confusions. It helps me remember I’m not just American. I’m not just a woman. Writing article reviews Concord College? A mother. writing a journal article Fanshawe College? A teacher. A wife. I find value in thinking in stories. Aren’t we all woven through with stories? Isn’t that how we think of writing a journal article Fanshawe College, our lives, how we survive them? Now, when someone hurts me, I remember that they are only living the terms of their own fictions—sometimes desperately—so their selves don’t unravel. I like that idea. A woven person. Little misshapen stars made of straw. At Guernica , we’ve spent the last 13 years producing uncompromising journalism. More than 80% of our finances come from readers like you. And we’re constantly working to produce a magazine that deserves you—a magazine that is a platform for ideas fostering justice, equality, and civic action. If you value Guernica ’s role in this era of obfuscation, please donate.